Dying seems like the easy bit

Categories Feeling A Right Tit

So after kicking up a bit of a fuss I finally got home yesterday.I have to admit for this fiercely independent, control freak, free spirit it was 12 days of total hell, although I suspect the suffocating stench of urine and feces, the sound of bowel movements over lunch, the sight of a trolley full of nappies and a little oldie sobbing every time a visitor left would test most people.
The good news is there was no fluid around the heart and the fluid on the lungs is decreasing after IV antibiotics(I’ll have an x-ray in a couple of weeks to make sure all is still good).The bad news is the cancer is progressing and I must choose between no treatment or chemo forever, permanent hair loss, and whatever other side effects I Incur.
The thought of more frequent hospitalization, losing my identity and becoming a victim in the eyes of the world, terrifies me, I feel like I have been newly diagnosed all over again.I can already feel people pulling away because they don’t know what to say or how to handle the situation,(maybe thats my own fault for posting).
Yes I am focusing on all the negatives and I feel like I am letting myself and everyone down,there are people who will tolerate almost anything to stay alive, I’m not as strong or inspirational as you thought.
I have no idea how to do this and I imagine dying to be the easy bit,it’s everything that comes in between.Don’t talk to me about pink ribbons and increased survival rates. Some day humanity will look back and wonder how we ever thought pumping people full of poison was a good idea.


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