One of my biggest fears is knowing when to let go, I don’t want to go out kicking and screaming, gasping for my last breath , I want to be accepting and at peace, ideally having spent the evening dancing with those I love having a glass or two of really good red wine😆. Those who really know me will tell you, letting go isn’t something that comes easily to me. I have a tendency to hold on to stuff, although I’m much better since diagnosis. I finally recognise that some things really don’t matter and stressing over them is a complete waste of time and energy. I have fought hard to keep myself going, changing my diet and lifestyle, trying alternative treatments, I guess I was hoping for a miracle, hoping to be that rare patient who defies the odds and beats this bastard.

Knowing the damage long term chemo does to an already seriously compromised immune system, it will eventually destroy my bone marrow, I’ve spent 6 years doing everything I could to avoid it. I do acknowledge however had I not had oral chemo in 2014 when cancer hit my liver, I may not be here writing this. Right now chemo is my only conventional option as my cancer has progressed in my bones and to my left lung and liver. The further I get into this thing, the more treatment I have, the more I realise I’m unlikely to get out of this alive, I probably won’t get my miracle.

This might sound like a defeatist attitude, I haven’t given up hope yet, but I like to be prepared and I don’t want to waste all the good days that I please god still have left, fighting a battle that I can never win, and this bastard really wears you down.😣

Knowing the control freak that I am and maybe this might change but I doubt it, I know I won’t rest easy till I have everything sorted. By everything I mean the hard practical stuff, think I’m leaving my funeral arrangements to someone else, not a hope😝, we’re having a party, playlists written.😉

I’ve had six tough, but wonderful years full of love and so much joy, so much more than many get, and who knows there may be years yet. For now my aim is to reach 50, optimistic, but hey. No matter how long I get it will never be enough, but like us all I have to take every day as it comes. I choose to be happy, enjoy and appreciate the good days, accept and bear the bad ones with the help of friends and family, and be grateful that although it took me a while I finally learned to love this crazy nutter and value her wonderful life.❤❤❤

19 thoughts on “Letting go

  1. That’s one of the most amazing things I’ve ever read. You are something else Catherine,I am so proud to be part of your life,you have such an amazing,strong approach to life,Rock On,Your Simply The Best xxxx

    1. Hey there, I haven’t given up, just having chemo makes me feel like I have, crazy poison shit I hate it.But today my pain is all gone and I got to the beach, can’t even begin to tell who how much I love the beach. I think quality just might be better than quantity if you can’t have both. Hope you are good and galavanting lots for pleasure.x

  2. Your post chimes with a thought that somehow forcibly struck me just the other day. Not an original thought, more … you know those moments when you feel quite sure of something, a ‘light-bulb’ moment, which may be about something banal or even – as mine was – a trite realisation but nonetheless, it firmly impressed itself upon me. (So anyone looking for profundity can stop reading RIGHT NOW!) I found myself thinking about the moment of ‘passing away’ and how peaceful it MIGHT (emphasise the ‘might’) be. Yes, that still leaves the possibility of all sorts of unpleasantness beforehand and to quote Matthew Modine in Full Metal Jacket: ‘The dead know only one thing – it is better to be alive’, so please don’t think I am advocating fatalism or resignation, because I am not. But the moment itself when we ‘shuffle off this mortal coil’ may be something we needn’t fear or be apprehensive of. As for ‘what dreams may come…’ well, that’s another matter entirely, though I have no doubt that you, Dolly, will live until you die – and quite right, too! Much love to you, Catherine xx

    1. Hey Steve,
      Yep absolutely, think ‘Being Mortal’. When my lungs and the lining of my heart filled up for the second time and I had to wait overnight to be transferred to Cork for surgery, I was afraid that if I lay down I might die (might drown), I was really scared, but suddenly I thought, Oh, I might die in my sleep and it would be all over, I wouldn’t have to worry about all the potential suffering coming down the line.But I’m so glad I didn’t die then, everything I thought I wouldn’t be able to deal with I’ve dealt with,all the worst case scenarios haven’t happened, yet, up to now my life has been so worth living. But that could all change in a second, my world is shrinking already, can you imagine me being in a wheelchair totally dependant or cooped up in a room staring at four walls or in agonizing pain or all three, then I’d want to die and you’d probably want me to too.No I don’t think dying is the worst thing, it’s all the stuff that comes first, but maybe it won’t be so bad and I’ll find enough joy to sustain me. Dylan Thomas might say , ‘Do not go gentle into that good night’, but if I’m going to Live till I die and thats a way off yet I can’t imagine I’ll have the energy to, ‘Rage, rage against the dying light,’ So a bit of peace would be lovely. x

  3. Hello Catherine, Dominic here, I was so sorry to hear that you were stricken with the bastard in the first place, but your blog and spirit are so impressive.
    Long may it continue,
    love Dommo

    1. Hi Dom,
      thank you for having a look at my blog, it helps me and it would be great if it helped someone else too. I’ve been living with this bastard for almost 6 years now, I’m an old pro. Yeah it’s quite something, rollercoasters, goalposts and all that, it does I have to say make you appreciate the small stuff and makes the good stuff that much better and reduces your tolerance for bullshit to zilch.The perks eh. I hope life is treating you well, think you might be living in my sisters old gaff, great spot, will keep you fit.
      Take care.

  4. I don’t know in which star it was written that you should be part of our lives, but if I ever find it I will take it down and hug it. Love you Kitty

    1. Love you too. I was reading your poetry last night, love your frog and the poem with aunt Dora. Miss you all lots X

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