So earlier this week I noticed the skin was starting to fall off my feet, on Friday I called into the hospital to have the nurses check them out. They’re not happy so they’ve stopped my meds again till my next scan at the end of the month. It sounds like I might be running out of oral chemo options so probably IV next. And I’m scared of what this might mean, I’m scared of losing my freedom ,my energy and my spirit. I’m scared of losing my hair and blowing up from steroids or losing my appetite and looking skeletal. I’m scared of looking in the mirror and not recognising myself when I’ve only just found me. I’m scared of people averting their eyes quickly or people looking at me a bit too long. I’m scared of people being afraid to speak to me and I’m scared of losing people who just can’t bear to look at me anymore. I’m scared of actually looking like a cancer patient and always looking that way till the end. Dying is one thing but all this shit that has to come first.

It’s just been a really shitty couple of weeks, sad news and heartbreak for lovely people who have already been through so much and yes I’m feeling sorry for myself.On Tuesday I sold my electric picnic ticket because I wasn’t loving the line-up and after the crappy summer we had I decided I would rather put the money towards a cheap and cheerful break in the sun( which I may not get a chance to take anytime soon).By Thursday I realised I’d made a big mistake. I’d missed the point, the line up, the money even the rain, none of that mattered, what mattered was spending time with one of my oldest and closest friends surrounded by people who’s main purpose for being there was to have fun ( and get thrashed, stoned, yada, yada……..). There is nothing like the thumping vibration of big stadium live music, the joy that radiates from 40,000 people and having shared that experience with your best buddy. I messed up big time, but hopefully lesson learned and please god maybe next year. Xxx

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