It’s 3.46 am and I’ve been lying awake for hours almost in tears trying to suppress the desire to tear through my flesh with my fingernails. All because of the barely visible, but now burning like hell blasted horsefly bites from the beach yesterday morning. And I’m so poxy tired cos it’s night two without any sleep, last night it was the steroids. I have every drug known to man at home including antihistamine and hydrocortisone cream, cos the bugs feckin love me, and I’m convinced it will be some little shit that finally does me in with infection when I’m at my lowest ebb. But I’m not at home, I’m at my parents for an early dental appointment before I start chemo.

But that’s not it, that’s not really why I’m upset, It’s the fact that, that I haven’t let it out. This time I have stoically taken it on the chin, the fact that cancer has eaten through my spine, vertebrae by vertebrae, giving me a 50/50 chance of ending up in a wheelchair, regardless of whether I have chemo or not. It’s the fact that in 2018 when we can programme our phones to turn on the lights in our house, I have no choice but to pump poison through my veins. Poison that will wear me down so much that there will be no coming back from it. It’s the fact that my aging parents in their final years have to watch their youngest, free-spirited, stubborn, independent, big strong child deteriorate in front of them, as they wonder how they will care for their invalid daughter. It’s the fact that my sister is run ragged trying to look after the lot of us.

It’s the fact that no matter what I do this bastards gonna win, and I’m so tired and I haven’t cried this time yet, till now thanks to the f…ing horsefly that pushed me over the edge.

9 thoughts on “Horsefly

  1. Hi Catherine, bit late now and not the whole point of your post, but regarding horsefly bites, when I get one if I can put coconut oil on it asap, before it swells up (first 5 mins or so) it get sorted and doesn’t swell up or anything…….It may help in some little way 🙂

    Your Blog is great, sh!t that you are going through it, but ………


    1. Hi Shauna, thanks for taking a look at my blog and I’ll definitely give the oil a go. The bugs love me.☺

  2. Appreciating the time and effort you put into your site and detailed information you offer.
    It’s good to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same outdated
    rehashed material. Wonderful read! I’ve bookmarked your site and I’m
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    1. Oh wow, thank you so much, I’m all about the detail, so wonderful to have it appreciated. Lovely comment.

  3. Wow, awesome weblog structure! How lengthy have you ever been blogging for?
    you made blogging look easy. The entire look of
    your web site is magnificent, let alone the content

    1. Not long,my wonderful friend who is a graphic designer designed the blog. I provide the content,photos, colour scheme ideas and he does the rest. I’ve wanted to do it for a few years now, but I’m a bit of a technophobe and cancer often got in the way. It was really important to me to use my experience to help others and it really helps me too. So finally we got our act together last year.He’s done such a wonderful job and really listened to what I wanted and it’s so user friendly. So I’ve had to write up and back date 4 years of material fun,wouldn’t advise it but I’m almost up to date now.Thank you so much for you lovely comment.

  4. I think everything posted was actually very reasonable.

    However, what about this? what if you added a little content?
    I am not suggesting your information is not good., however what if you added a post title that makes people desire more?
    I mean Horsefly – Carlow Kitty is kinda plain. You could glance at Yahoo’s home page and note how they create news headlines to grab people
    to open the links. You might add a video or a related pic or two to get people interested about everything’ve written. Just my opinion, it would make your
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